KISSES SWEETER THAN CACTUS

KISSES SWEETER THAN CACTUS

LILY CUMQUAT

Austin has succeeded where the millennium failed ...

N.Y. News, March 30, 1975

A few of the Ranch Hands are lighting up a joint behind the old corral. It’s just before their upcoming or at least forthcoming concert. This corral is a huge barn-like structure but it has never smelled of decaying hay or manure, just the equally piercing odors of beer and coke mildew on shag carpet.

Its history began in the early 50s when it was built, hard wood panelled, trophied with the horns of various creatures, and red and gold wallpapered in the tradition of second rate ice cream parlors. When the asphalt parking lot was finished it became a western dance club officially called “The Corral.”

Then it was transformed during the psychedelic 60s into “The Yippie Corral.” After total bankruptcy, bombing attempts, and busts of most of the owners and their dealers, it was left to cobweb.

In the early 70’s the cobwebs were broomed down by a , loose group of folks called the cactus collective. They reopened it as “Way Out West.”

This forthcoming concert of John Leather and the Ranch Hands at “Way Out West” Will be their first Austin appearance in over two months. There is a crowd of believers, hooters, and hawers waiting in the hall.

You see, John Leather is the spiritual head of a large group of people infected with the religion of Austin Chauvinism. If you didn’t read about it in the Rolling Stone History of The Twentieth Century, let me tell you about it:

Austin Chauvinism is a disease affecting mostly young victims in their late teens and early twenties, especially dangerous to those who have suffered from group sports, communal living, and television westerns in their early development. It generally affects recent immigrants to the Austin area rather than long term residents. The first symptoms are the purchasing of large cowboy hats that are awkwardly perched on the victims’ heads and the buying of cowboy boots the more expensive and legendary the better.

With sufficient positive reinforcement, peer pressure, and rallying at such events as this evening, these recruits immediately join the ranks of full time Austin Chauvinists. They are clouded in mind and spirit and preach to all that Austin is the center of the cultural and spiritual universe. Territorial chauvinism is not new or exclusive to Austinites. It has an ancient and glorious history of epidemics including Allegiance to Rome, Spring in Paris, London Fog, and more recently, Nazi-Germany, Fun City-itis, and San Francisco Flower Power.

It js hard to know if John Leather really believes that Austin is the center of the universe. Although his tunes are best-selling, foot-stomping hymnals testifying to the glories of Austin, he seems slightly bewildered and amazed by all this power and money he now has. He can still painfully remember the many years of riding unimpressive college and coffeehouse dates, barely hanging on to the memory of his one top-forty hit in the early 60s. He still has the scars of total failure in the flesh markets of N.Y. and L.A.

His move to Austin in 1970 was such a wonderful accident of fate and timing that it still stuns him just to think on it. Now, surrounded by a group of mediocre musicians, he serenades the infected masses who are too far gone to notice lyric quality or musicianship. John Leather ain’t too sure where this magic begins or ends but if he can keep it up for another year or two maybe he can retire and move to Mexico.

Ah! You may ask .what is wrong with this innocent lunacy. It is helping to patch the crumbling record industry and putting more folk and country music on top-forty surveys. But we have another plan for the wide-eyed revival tonite at “Way Out West.”

As we have studied the history of the earth (as they call it) we have found that often earth leaders, psychotics and over-achievers of all sorts, used chauvinism to enhance their attempts to take over the world. Such individuals as Napoleon, Hitler, and Hearst all used chauvinistic and prejudiced ingredients, to spice up their ego pies. Then they fed their nasty pastries to the masses.

They failed due to human weaknesses: overweening pride, a weak heart, overactive balls, etc. We are not only beyond such human foibles but we also have our new secret-weapon, Hypno II. Our researchers have found that a wave very similar in frequency to one note on a slightly out of tune steel guitar can induce the second serious stage of Austin Chauvinism. By transmitting the wave through the guitar into the ear it can very quickly short circuit the entire brain and make people the puppets and armies of Austin.

Thus, Austinites, we take you at your word! In 30 minutes as John Leather yells, “Take it, Fred,” and Fred begins his lead steel part on “Old Time Rag,” we will begin our experiment.