Making it in Hollywood: THE HEAVY HALF-HUNDRED

One-time next matinee idols” parking cars at Martoni s; the next blonde bombshell taking all-night orders at Denny’s until she can scrape together busfare back to wherever. . . these romantic images of failure have been as much a part of Hollywood as her overnight successes. A more contemporary setting would perhaps find a failed folkie washing glasses in the Troubadour kitchen, but the time-warped show biz axiom hangs on: it’s not only what you know, it’s who you know.

Even if the sum of your Hollywood experience is one four-day holiday at your grandmother’s in Pasadena, connections never hurt. If you wanna watch the parade at the Rainbow, it’s nice to have a ringside seat, right? Not everybody on this list can necessarily help you out at the Rainbow, but they all make some kind of contribution to the most frivolous scene in the Western world. If ten of these people will take your phone calls, you can consider yourself reasonably well-connected. If you know all of them, you should be on the list yourself. And if you know none of them, you might be just as well off.

Frank Zappa: Freak with a briefcase? Frank invented the animal, and has played the part shrewdly: Happy 10th Anniversary!

The Real Don Steele: Might be any other loudmouthed AM jock with a Saturday afternoon TV danceathon, except for the fact that his is the only glitter dance show in America. Who else welcomes appearances by such as the Dolls, Silverhead and Bryan Ferry?

Terry Melcher: Son of Doris Day. Producer of Byrds, Paul Revere & the Raiders. Met Charles Manson once; that was enough. Now records for Warners and (with Bruce Johnston) has his own label specializing in California music. * Typical Beverly Hills kid?

Michael Lipman: Agent for CMA; handles David Bowie. One of few agents who makes a point of seeing his acts perform.

Art Laboe: Between his Original Sound records, radio show and (now) club, was a walking rock & roll renaissance long before American Grafitti. If you once had a hit record, call collect.

Rodney Bingenheimer: Teenage Mayor Of Sunset Strip, stand-in for Sonny Bono, friend of Brian Jones. Post-teenage: English Disco, where future Rodneys are already being spawned. “What’s happening?” You are, Rodney.

Miss Pamela: Ex-GTO whose starring performance in Arizona Slim drew raves at the Cannes Film Festival. The “old-timers” can still show the kids a thing or two.

Sepp Donahower: Heads Pacific Presentations, biggest concert promoters on the coast. Manages Hollywood Stars, most-likely-tosucceed among the new bands on the coast. “He was never known to make a foolish move.”

Doug Weston: Though attempts to expand his empire have not always proven successful, the Troubadour will be around as long as the acoustic guitar. Warning to young musicians: his return option clause has a reputation for being a trifle excessive. If you’re some poor schmuck and turn out to be Elton John, you’ll be playing the Troub forever.

Al Hernandez: Super-fan. If you’re in any of his numerous scrapbooks, your place in rock history is preserved. Tells Rodney what the new records are.

Delux: Powder confections for people, of means.

Phil Spector: We all know who he is; the question now is where he is.

Dr. Feelgood: If you’re sick and famous, these rock and roll doctors will take care of you. If you’re only famous, that’s good enough too.

Turk: You wanna fly Over The Rainbow? This man’s ground control. If you know him, you might (but only might) escape that cramped little table in out-crowd country.

Bill Witten: Ignore the showroom clothes; Witten’s rep is as a personal designer. Considering that his clientele includes Cher and Three Dog Night, you might figure his fees to be a little steep. You wouldn’t necessarily be wrong. Still. ..

David Geffen: From William Morris mailroom to artist management to Elektra/Asylum Records to Cher. In the best Hollywood tradition, makes both the Wall Street Journal and True Confessions. Why isn’t this main smiling? Because he doesn’t control the entire record industry... yet.

Jack Nicholson: What’s he doing here? Throw a rock & roll press party and find out.

Elmer Valentine and Mario: One-two punch at the Whisky A Go Go and Roxy. Won’t hesitate to switch billing if bottom act deserves it (ask the. Flamin’ Groovies) or showcase a local act if they merit it (ask the Hollywood Stars). Warning to thirsty musicians: just be careful that your bar tab doesn’t exceed your earnings.

Robert Hilburn: Well-respected music critic for the L.A. Times. A true L.A. rarity: likes both the Eagles and the New York Dolls. . . and knows exactly why.

Bill Yaryan: Who else would take on — in quick succession — an Elton John tour, a Who grinder and then a bout with the fabled (but seldom seen) Yes balloon? Is this crazy person the Iggy Pop of record company A&R?

Hollywood Stars: L.A.’s hope for greatness. Saw the Dolls, decided to stake out their own turf. Groomed by Kim Fowley and Sepp Donahower. But, says an insider, “the album only has five singles.” Only five?

Brian Wilson: Without this head Beach Boy, the California Myth might just as well’ve been Iowa by the sea. Everybody from Pete Townshend to Jimmy Webb lists him as the artist they’d most like to be locked in a recording studio with.

Dr. Demento: Hosts the only blatantly dirty (“Rocket 69”)/bizarre (Nervous Norvus) oldies radio show in the country. Is the generally acknowledged king of useless rock & roll trivia.

The Bon-Bons: Art for appearances’ sake. They follow the lead of the Marx Bros, and GTO’s: invade a gathering in numbers, and never allow anything you do to make sense. Their mailings of inspired garbage should be saved for the time capsule which documents the decay of 20th century culture.

Micky Dolenz: Circus Boy turned Monkee turned unemployed. One of the funniest men in Hollywood, but has found being an ex-Monkee nothing to laugh about. His self-written/produced/ acted “great hits of the 60s” TV ad is a classic.

Lou Adler: Jan & Dean to Mamas & Papas to Monterey to Carole King to Ode Records to Cheech & Chong to Tommy to the Rocky Horror Show. (whew). Not only does he possess the knack for turning an Idea into a Reality, but he’s one of few record execs who’d have the idea in the first place.

Marsa Hightower: Publicist who often outshines her clients. Knows her territory; keeps up with it like a fan. Among the satisfied customers: the late Paul McCartney.

Neil Bogart: Ex-Buddah prexy founds Casablanca and moves it to L.A., where his fast-talking, intense New York style leaves the natives dumbfounded. Result: hits, of course.

B. Mitchell Reid: One of L.A. radio’s most respected institutions. Gave the Byrds and Buffalo Springfield their initial push, but will he do the same for Zolar X?

Albert: Keeper of the Whisky door, he determines how easily you’ll make your entrance. On the side, he’s started a limo service by which you can make your escape. I.e.: he’s got it all covered.

Michelle Meyer: When Rodney asks “What’s happening?”, she’s the one with the answers. If she doesn’t have it on her hotline, chances are you shouldn’t either.

Lee Irwin: One of the founders of the Credibility Gap, now syndicates a counter-culture news show to over 500 markets. Would interview the Bon-Bons before Leon Jaworsky. Has done drugola documentary which NBC is reportedly afraid to air.

Flo and Eddie: Turtles turned Zappa henchmen turned multi-media vandals. Their weekly radio show on KROQ blends off-the-cuff comedy, off-the-wall music and guests like Alice, Keith Moon, Ringo and Iggy. The future holds more records, radio and TV shows, literary efforts and whatever else they can foist on an amazed and delighted public.

David Anderle: Dreamed up Brother Records with Brian Wilson before anybody else had the idea of an artist-run label, now produces (among others) Kris & Rita. Possesses one of the truest sets of ears in town.

Charlie Shaw: Runs Tower Records, one of the most extensive record stores on earth. Whether your taste runs toward the Troggs or Bix Beiderbecke, he’s probably got just what you’re looking for. A dangerous charge account to have.

Michael Ochs: Brother and manager of Phil, his body (but not always his mind) has occupied the offices of Columbia and Shelter. Maintains a fanatic rock & roll archives; when all else fails he can open a museum.

Shaun Cassidy: Can you visualize a mutant child whose looks are in his brother David’s league and whose performance aspires more toward Iggy? Look out.

Gary Fontenot: Manager of the Starwood, responsible for all the bookings. If you’re in a band, it’s a venue that welcomes local talent; if you’re part of the scene, it’s an opportunity to watch it all unfold.

Iggy: Ex-Doors organist Ray Manzarek rates him as the most dynamic performer he’s seen since you-know-who. So there.

John Cale: After a period of brilliant obscurity, now appears to be taking off on several levels. Recording with Eno and Roxy Music, scoring films, producing Nico and maybe even putting the Velvet Underground back together again. Louis who?

Leigh Karin: Custom clothes for the likes of Mick Ronson, the Stooges and Angela Bowie, at a (gasp!) reasonable price.

Sharon Lawrence: Journalist/ publicist who woke up one morning as the head of Rocket Records’ American operation. Holding Elton’s hand at chartlistings time is a job in itself.,

Russ Regan: After brilliant direction of Elton John, Neil Diamond and now Barry White, he’s the most underrated record company prexy extant. And will most likely outlast his more conspicuous colleagues by years.

Gibson & Stromberg: You don t just pay for publicists when you hire G&S, you pay for “vibes.” How much are vibes worth? Plenty, judging from the cars these men drive.

Kim Fowley: It wouldn’t be L.A. without Kim. He has made hanging out a most lucrative , pastime; master of being in the right place at the right time. Accomplishments? He’s a legend (just ask him).

Al Kooper: How can a nice Jewish boy from New York have Sounds Of The South Records and be a fixture in Hollywood? Wise investments. He’s still an ace name on any session, and his songs are recorded by the Jackson 5. So who needs the 60s?

Russ Shaw: Father managed Frank Sinatra, now son works for Warners A&R where he watches over the likes of SladeTahd Deep Purple. A smile through clenched teeth as an eggroll whizzes past his left ear.

Zolar X: This band claims to be from another planet, and to prove it they wear their space drag and pointed ears everywhere (and occasionally refuse to converse in English). Anything that can get double-takes on Hollywood Blvd. these days deserves at least three points for silliness.

Danny Hutton: One Dog Night who can usually be found holding court in the center ring of the Rainbow circus. Brian Wilson wrote “Good Vibrations” for him, and reckons him Jo be one of the best singers ever heard.