DUST MY PUMICE

DUST MY PUMICE

Pins of Puke

by R. Meltzer

For some reason people bowl but what’s the reason? Money? Yes, sometimes that’s why they bowl and as everybody knows money is the root of all evil (rhymes with weevil). Even $250 worth of money. And that’s exactly how much they give away (they’re cheap) on whatever the name of that bowling show is that they stick on channel 9 once in a while *usually unannounced in TV Guide). No, not Celebrity Bowling, that’s on all the time, this one’s only on like Sunday nites or something like that. And the announcer is Bill Mazer. *

Bill Mazer! Oh how the mighty have fallen! Used to be he did the announcing and interviews and everything for CBS Sunday afternoon hockey and he must’ve got paid a bundle. But since announcer money is just as much the root of all evil as athlete money it serves him right. Bowling is where he belongs and he covers the sport like no one since King Farouk.

One time every bowler on the show had not only long sideburns but lots of long strands on top and the sides as well. Bill’s got the side stuff but not much on top so he felt obligated to comment and comment he did. “Used to be hair was odd but now it’s not. My son has some himself.” In other words he has a son. In other words if it’s really his kid he once got to plant the seed somewhere. In other words somebody once let him. Look at him and you’d doubt that but be says he’s got an offspring and who’s to doubt him?

Specially when he’s so knowledgeable about ten pins and you wanna hear a story about that? Well in the beginning it used to be NINE pins only. That was in the days before the Revolutionary War of 1776. The sport of nine pins was where revolutionary types would congregate and so the redcoats had to put a stop to that but quick. So they banned the sport of nine pins altogether, completely, utterly, they just banned it.

Well bowlers are known for their perspicacity and they were no stupids then either. They put their thinking bought the little woman a color TV (a small one) and all the metal in the world couldn’t do that. Behind Ed DiTolla throughout their game, things looked pretty bad for him. If he had a chance he probably would’ve stuck Ed’s head in the path of his ball. But his shot was worthless so he probably would of missed by a mile. He stunk!

And stinkers never win. Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel sorry for them ’cause by all means you should. That’s what your daddy and mommy taught you and they were right. You should always feel sorry for people like Art Meier. That’s if you’re a spectator cause if you are he’s probably better than you. But superiority doesn’t disqualify him from your sympathy so why not pray for him tonite unless you’re a lousy ATHEIST.

Well anyway the whole purpose of the show (what the hell’s the name of it anyway?) is to give lousy sub-tournament bowlers in the NY area TV exposure. A lofty purpose indeed and they have guys coming in to bowl from caps on and came up with the sport of TEN pins! Andded one instead of subtractings and bowlers have been adding ever since.

But don’t think for a second that bowlers must necessarily major in higher mathematics. No sir, not at all. Particularly when there’s the Ty guy to add up the score for them. Art Meier, for instance, is a sheet metal worker approaching middle age. Wrinkles dot his slender face and metal is on his mind. With the 250 bucks he could have all over the place, Maspeth, Rockville Centre, Lindenhurst, Huntington Station, Brooklyn, etc. Even Gil Hodges Lanes is represented and it’s a good thing too. Now that Gil’s gone to meet his maker it’s nice to know that Gil’s bride and family are well taken care of by a bowling alley. Very nice to know.

And speaking of stiffs named Hodges, there’s a very good chance he wouldn’t be 6 feet under right now if he’d stuck it out with Washington. If he’d stayed with the Senators (now the Texas Rangers if you can call them that) there’s no way he’d ever have won a pennant. And if he hadn’t won a pennant he never would’ve been up for 27 holes of golf in one sitting like he did the day he kicked the bucket down Florida way. He’d be sipping gin and tonics in the Texas sun right now deciding on what pitcher to send against the Milwaukee Brewers and he’d be still alive for it.

As it is he’ll never get to see GH Lanes’ keglers of destiny face off against noble opponents on channel 9. Opponents such as whatever that guy’s name was whose last name was Clemente (he wasn’t Roberto Clemente, that’s for effin’ sure) and who was as fat as a house and who also lost to Ed DiTolla but by less than the other guy whose name is also totally forgot.

They have this real good camera set up on the other side of the pins so you can see the ball coming on down its merry way towards hit or miss. You also get to see the pins shaking and how come they’re shaking? The wind? No ’cause there is no wind in a bowling alley unless the door is open. A mouse? No because bowling alleys are required by law to hire the exterminator. The camera? Could be, it could very well be that the camera itself is causing all the vibrations. ’Cause those pins shouldn’t be shaking like that a full 65 seconds after the ball’s made its mark. They shouldn’t, it might even be illegal and if it isn’t there oughta be a law.

Anyway Ed’s wife got to be shown on camera from the stands and she was slightly less good looking than Linda Eastman. Linda’s Paulie has never bowled a single frame in America either lefthanded or right. If he ever comes back he should. Because it’s a good sport, plenty of exercise for the hands, the wrists, the arms and the feet. m