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MAIL Dept., CREEM Magazine P.O. Box P-1064, Birmingham, Ml 48012

DEAR CREEM

Do you realize that picture of Elton John on page 35 of the Feb. issue looks just like Radar from M.A.S.H.? If he wasn’t wearing the superstar duds, I’d swear he was our favorite corporal on furlough.

Frank Burns Korea

(That was no Elton, that was Gordon Sinclair. -Ed.)

WIZDOME To you my friend:

Yeah Carlos,, I cut my hair too! It was my employer’s will that led me to see the light (a weekly pay-check). I don’t even cuss anymore! But everyone of my fellow freaks eyes my new skin head and replies “Yeah, shit, far out!” I feel mighty guilty spawning new naughty mouth kiddies, so I’m growin’ my hair back and joining a barber-college for reformed baldies.

Yours in growth

Dix R. Harrie (Trying, but not hard enough)

Rouses Point, N.Y.

P.S. Where can I rent me a cheap guru? These haircuts are a-killin’ me!

MESSAG£ FUM THE CUNTRY Ip January’s issue, Billy Altman wrote a xeview on Linda Ronstadt that was purtty hard for a country dude ta understand, all them big ol words like apparently, or perspective ya know. And maybe Linda is in with a biinch o the wrong kinda bamboozelers in all, but one thing sticks clear in mu mind. Ol Carly, n Carol, n Karen, all them flashy high steppin chicks better sleep with an eye open cause all us here in Boogie Land we is knowin L. Ronstadt is Queen, as ifin she could get away from ol J.D. Souther (how did he get that name?) an really get her a country band wiffout dem stinkin ol ofrkeystaws n shit n sing a few more asskickers so’s we kid dance some, she gonna be the bpss gall damned female in the land!! Pass the Shine gents! Hobo,

Boogie Land South Ga.

O.T.R.

Congratulations and many thanksfor the article “On the Road” (Feb. 74). In a magazine usually filled with cheap trash and sleazy rock stars it was refreshing to see some genuine ass kjckers, particularly Detroit’s favorite sons The Vigilantes.

I would really like'to see more of this kind of journalism in future issues, hopefully on my favorite subjects - Drag Racing and The Stooges.

Thanks again,

Charles Assless Detroit

TASTE OF HOME

I was sitting back in my chair, listening to my stereo, smoking a bowl of outrageous black hash, and drinking a beer, when my eyes fell upon an article in your magazine: “Eat Your Meat, Consumer Guide to American Burger Stands.”

It’s been over a year since I’ve been to the States, thanks to Uncle Sam, so I delved into this article, hoping to recapture those “good old days.” Well, I re-captured the good ole days, and a god-damn stomach ache from laughing so much. I enjoyed this article so much that I removed it from the magazine, mounted it on cardboard backing, and hung it from the umbrella over my toilet in the washroom. (My washroom is a museum for wayward junk.)

So thanks for the article. It made home seem one day closer, while enhancing my washroom.

Lizard King

Nurmberg, Germany

WRONGO

Is it true that that really is Mark Farner singing lead on the MC5’s song, “Kick Out the Jams?” It sounds exactly like him and we’ve gotta know.

Thankx,

“Long Live Loud Music”

Downers Grovef Ill.

(No, the lead singer on “Kick Out the Jams” is Rob Tyner, who is now freelancing original songs and working on a photo book about the Ann Arbor Blues & Jazz Festival. - Ed.)

ZORRO WAS HERE

When they began to recognize promising patterns, they started getting together in front of the TV program To Tell the. Truth. The three contestants would appear on the screen, each would say, “My name is ,” and the spies would tape it. Then they would run the tape recording of that first statement only through their prototype PSE and before the panel could do it, they would call them liars. Out of the 75 experiments, they say they got it right 71 times. That’s almost 95 percent (a phenomenal average for any kind of liedetection experiment) and it was around this time that they became a company.

Emmett Grogan

Bronx, N.Y.

1/74

HOOK RASH

Thanx for running some pictures of Robert Christgau. It’s interesting to see what kind of people are responsible for this thing you call CREEM. He looks like Burton Cummings before his haircut and lobotomy.

Hmmm, what else? Oh yeah! Ever since I read your article on Dr. Hook I had this awful rash in my crotch. Is it anything serious? Also, tell the drummer I’m sorry about hitting him with that bottle when they played the Aragon in Chicago. I was after the singers other eye. Do they really make it with pigs? Or is that called porking?

Vic Stanley

Cary, Ill.

(Your problem can be cured by a local osculation from Wayne Newton. — Ed.)

ELTON JOHN, SUPERSTUD In January’s CREEM, your Wayjie Robins made the statement that our man Elton did not have sufficient ‘‘heterosexual good looks” to make it to the top. Now, in the February issue you contradict this by putting him.on the cover - a very handsome and nice looking young man... we proceed to pages 34, 35 and 36 and WOW!!!! Tell us-whcn you have seen a rock star with a masculine, hairy chest like Elton’s??? Come on now, we’re sick and tired of looking at skinny, shiny-chested entertainers... give us a man like ELTON JOHN; someone who looks like a man; sexy, virile and really keen! Give us more of ELTON, perhaps a centerfold, but we doubt very much if he would do something so undignified.

We want you to take an oath in boiled records never again to refer to the KING OF ROCK as “pudgy”. .. how dare you! Wait... we’re not quite finished with you. Ben Edmonds’ article is incomplete in inaccurate. Could you have him complete it by furnishing the date of Elton’s birth and the details of his two unfortunate love affairs plus his current love interest? The inaccuracy is that we know ELTON would never have used the word F&*| as quoted by Ben.

All the Gals at Beaver College Glenside, Pa.

(You want we should refer to him as porcine? Eltie’s B-day is March 25, but he doesn’t kiss and tell and neither will we and neither will Sally Fields, Kaye Ballard and Mean Mary Jectn. Elton has mouthed even naughtier no-no’s in his time. — Ed.)

OUR PLEASURE

Not since R. Stone mis-called me “Dave Casman” have I been so inspired by a review. Thanx for the “superb!”

Your Friend,

David Ossman Los Agneles, Calif.

(Mr. Ossman is one-fourth of the Firesign Theatre. — Ed.)

BITE DOWN HARD Dear Ma CREEM,

I heard that Donny Osmond wears false teeth; Please tell me this is untrue. I love Donny very much, and I stayed up all nite last nite crying over him. Please reassure me before I go out to buy him some Polygirp.

Yours very truly,

D. Castadee, M. Hackson, A. Baker, J. McGuire, and the rest of the Bratty Bunch P.S. We think your mag is groovy and far-out!!!!

(Yeah, they ’re Dick Clark’s. - Ed.)

IS MARTIN MULL THE FILM FOX? on martin nude in the center — look, martin mull is the kinda crap that duchamp, if we wuzn’t zenned out, woulda had nightmares over, that geek is so shallow, such an obvious opportunist he makes better midler look like maria muldaur (no, not “look like,” ain’t no one oughta havta look like bette midler, "‘‘seem like” twould be far-est more appropriate) — scams are one think but this puke is somehin’ else, that wrinkly old mupa is a disgrace to all we lay for. ptui.

is there really such a person as the one depicted as the “film fox” — do her, breasts really hang like that? i bet a friend of mine that this person is really chi eoltrane doin’ a little moonlighting where she knows the class is.

ill be looking forward to yr special “chicano rock” issue, hutch davie lives,

Rich Mangelsdorff Milwaukee, Wise.

IS BERLIN REALLY SUFFRAGETTE CITY? /I am very disappointed that Lester Bangs did not print the truth about Berlin. Berlin is what Lou Reed puked up after watching Love

Story on TV. Berlin will become a legend. If you feel down and someone comes to you all excited about something, look up at him and utter the word “Berlin.” ZAP! He’s on the ground gasping for breath. This album should be awarded to all the denizens of Suffragette City.

Steve Feikes 1212 Jim Dandy Road Berlin, North Germany Zap Code 44444 VA

P.S. After listening to Berlin there is only one’ thought in your mind - DO IT!!!

((There followed a drawing of the world blowing up. - Ed.)

CHAMPEEN

Message to CREEM, from world’s greatest J. Geils fan. If you continue to put pictures of me in you magazine, please put one to bring justice to myself. But I have to admit, I have • the nicest tits in Hollywood, ask any body who knows me!

Thanks huney,

Tina

Hollywood, Calif.

P.S. I’m also the worlds greatest Rod Stewart fan.

(Below: a pic which does justice to the world’s greatest^ J. Geils/R. Stewart fan. -Ed.)

JUJU STY

Lester your eyelids are growing heavy, you are getting drowsy, you are falling asleep. Deeper, deeper, deeper. Alas, you have fallen asleep. Now I have you in my power you bastard. Now repeat after me, “I will give Eric Clapton’s records a good review,” “I will give Eric Clapton’s records a good review.” “Eric is God not Lou Reed.” “Eric is God not Lou Reed.” OK Lester when I snap my fingers you will come out of your hypnotic state and once again become your usual self. Mohl the Mystic West New York, New Jersey P.S. If this fails I will send Buddy Miles to kick Lester’s ass next time he knocks Eric. (Lester: “Who’s Lou Reed?’’) Goddamn it! Next time you include some Patti Smith — print lots of pictures. Get her to review some more records. Get her to write a few articles. Get her a column of her own. Do something/anything!

TURN TO PAGE 80

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 10

BATTY FOR PATTI

And Patti when are you finally gonna make your debut rocknsoul album? Are you gonna include the likes of Derringer, Rundgren, Lenny Kaye, the Winters, and all of the Blue Oyster Cult? Write me quick at the address below, cuz:

1 could wait all night i could wait for days (in the mud)

1 can feel it i can feel you

Why don’t you come to my house you can see:

Your writings on my self (hard oak)

Your pictures on my wall

Your poetry in my head

to my head

in my head

Let’s make

my head

mine

my

yours?

Scott Duhamel East Providence, R.I.

PHALLUS! ES

Martin Mull’s ass-hull was a downright fair CREEMmate of the month, but there has to be better turn-ons such as:

1. Lou Reed’s weed.

2. Mick Jagger’s dagger.

3. John Lennon’s lemons. 4. Iggy Pop’s crop.

5. Shel Silver stein’s bean.

6. Gladys Knight’s pips.

7. Sly Stone’s bone.

8. Noddy Holder’s boulders.

9. Greg Lake’s snake.

10. Duane Allman ballin’ Patti Smith! Jesus, patti it’s just a joke-off! Anyway, nothin’ rhymed with Dave Johansen anyway. Maybe next time, o.k. doll? pat & CREEM — yer all nova!

The Old BeeFart

of Bethel, Ct. & its Burger Visions (What about the entire Procol Harum? — Ed.)

MOON SHOT

In your January issue of 74 you had a small item in the Rock & Roll News - Keith Moon has been banned from the BBC TV Bar for “apparently pinging a barman’s braces, whatever that means” for shame! You are immediately withdrawn from the race. Roughly translated for you poor burghoffs it would mean that Keith got hold of the bartender’s suspenders and let him have it. Then again it doesn’t seem a very good reason to ban him from the bar. Next time don’t be such a ho hum cow when you write stuff like that. Positively cheeky to say the least.

This is from:

a. all of the above

b. bubble and squeak

c. Ha Ha Monroe

d. All my eye and Betty Martin

e. Bob’s Your Uncle

This is actually a formal dubbing notice.

My aardvark and gloworm liked your picture on page 36.

B.S. YES

Last night I saw Brownsville Station live in Mobile. Goddamit, rock ’n’ roll is back and Brownsville Station is leadin’ the way. ROCK AND ROLL, YOU POWER PUNKS!!!

Yetr friend,

Eddie Flowers Jackson, Alabama

P.S. Seize the time! Off glitter rock!! ROCK & ROLL IS HERE TO STAY!!!

P.S.S. AND IT’S TIME THAT ALL THESE FAGGITS REALIZE THEY AIN’T IT NO MATTER HOW GOOD THEY ARE.

(Well, you seem to have your rhetoric down. -Ed.)

SURFER TANTRUM

You rock and roll people think you’re so goddamn with it and together! I’m a surfer and I can outball and outsmoke and outdrink and out write any of you. Just as Alice Cooper should read “A Modest Proposal” and “Exile” should be heard from a Pioneer system, surfers should rate respect from musicians as superior electromagnetic wave cpnductors. I’ll buy Robin Trower or Tower a drink anytime for being aware of Hendrix and I’ll go to an asteroid belt off the coast of mars to listen to Hendrix style surfing music again, poof! a knife fight anytime you like! steve wimer

alias the checkered demon some no count burg

(Hey! We love surfing! Detroit has some of the best west of the Sierras; come on over some time and we’ll wipe you out. -Ed.)

ASSAULT OF THE SCREWIES I hate your trash so damn bad! I am so sick of your screwed-up glitter and cut-downs on all

my favorite groups. All your glitter freaks — they .don’t really like the shit they wear. It’s all just one big contest or a Halloween party, with all of them trying to outdo each other.

I really, really don’t understand! Why is it that half these guys want people to think they’re fags. When they really aren’t! Can you explain this! You people at CREEM are all for it. But can you tell me one thing wrong with regular guys. Wearing jeans - no make up — not making eyes at the other one — just up there puttin on a good show!

And what do you have against quaaludes & stuff & getten high? All your screwies drink & stuff! And puke all over .each other — cause they’re grossl At least regular doper hippies aren’t all grossed up rednecks trying to show up each other! They are just nice freaks who don’t bother nobody. They just keep cool about everything. And then your screwies go and cut them down. You’re just jealous cause you can’t be natural cause you’re afraid all the other fake fairies will laugh at you!

I HATE YOU!!!

Tammy

Passaic, N.J.

(Who in the hell wants to read about nice people that don’t bother anybody? — Ed.)

BITCH TO BITCH

This is letter to that Bitch who calls herself “M” from L.A. listen bitch I just saw the Dolls in Cleveland, Ohio and I must, tell you that you are a asshole. I thought the Dolls were fantastic and so did everyone else. I don’t know who you think you are putting down the Dolls but I hope they come back to Cleveland soon so I could hear some good rock and roll again. If I were the Dolls I would search for your ass and give you a good swift kick in that mouth of yours. So eat it Bitch. The Dolls are here to stay.

Paul

Cleveland, Ohio

P.S. Don’t rot at Rodney’s baby because Cleveland is the place to be. L.A. is full of fucked-up people like you. And like David Doll said: “You Cleveland Queens are really fabulous” which we are. Please print.

(It’s best not to mix your drugs, especially amphetamines and coffee. — Ed.)

WHIP IT ON 'IM, JIM

Black >Oak Arkansas is the most obnoxious, macho, sexist band in America. With their growing mass popularity, lack of talent, and phony laid back consciousness 3 politics, they are beginning to rival Mark Famer & Co. for King of the Rock Fools.

Also Jim Dandy’s anti-drug commercial is so bad it makes me want to shoot up!

Rock on!

Cliff Goldbeck Louisville, Ky.

SYMBIONESE HOWDY ATTENTION: WE HAVE KIDNAPPED BOY HOWDY AND ARE HOLDING HIM FOR RANSOM: 807 KRINGS LANE JOLIET ILL, BEFORE APRIL IS OVER OR WE WILL RAPE HIM SIGHNED

QUEENIE & SINBEAST SNAKE CITY, NO-NO

(Now you’ve gotten our editors jealous. — Ed.)