DUST MY PUMICE

DUST MY PUMICE

by

R. Meltzer

The Howard Bloom Story

When eye was in the 8th or 9th grade or somethin there was this kid Warren Berlinger (not the actor) who got conned into "joining the club" by Stanley Pearlberg, Stuart Landau (no relation to Jon or the roof) and maybe Steven Shaloff too. All a buncha hebes (worse than a-rabs). He hadda pass the initiation by letting em photograph his stalk. Stalk was photoed and passed around the j.h.s. and this retard broad saw it and was distressed (belonged back in gram school with the babies). Reported em all to the principal Mr.ster Louie Bach (a mocky himelf) and none were allowed to graduate in person. Leslie Roth was one of em too and he went to the trotters with his folks instead of graduation at the Brooklyn College gym or graduation hall or whatever it is that's pictured on the Chad Mitchell Trio cover of Mighty Day on Cam-pus or whatever it was called that also has McGuinn somewhere on it. None of em got to go except somewhere else that nite, not even poor Warren who was the pathetic victim of a buncha thrill-seeking con-hebes. Later on in h.s. that guy useta wear oatmeal on his face! His pimps is why.

Why eye mention this at all other than to pass the time until delivering the ultimate message of this column is 2-fold. One is eye was supposed to be the original victim (they took some bogus shots of me under great duress — buncha FRUITY hebes they were — that never got developed cause they just never did so eye didn't get to be the victim stuck watchin horse legs trot around the oval instead of what eye did happen to actually do which was: go to graduation at Bkln. Coll, and afterwards have my first cheezeburger ever which eye even got by accident cause eye ordered a HAMburger but they gave me a c-burger which eye didn't want but eye said so what and ever since 92% of my burgs have been cheeze) which eye only mention because if ANY PUBLISHERS ARE INTERESTED IN BUYING MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY WHICH IS SITTING ON MY AGENT'S DESK (Peter Matson at the Harold Matson Co., 22 E. 40 St., New York, N.Y. 10016, 212-6794490) THE TIME TO BUY IS NOW, now that you know eye ain't the least interesting autobiographer in the world. Two is Stanley Pearlberg who eye mighta already told ya's older brother useta keep a lotta rubbers in his drawer and eye don't mean galoshes eye mean the kind that're often advertised in the pages of Zoo World, well he — him not his brother — he said while he was snappin my stalk photos that didn't even have film in em (don't know what he said to Warren cause eye was not there) that they were gonna be PAWNOGRAPHIC PHOTOS. Which he musta heard from his bro and which sounds an awful lot like PHAWNOGRAPHIC PHOTOS. Which... hence. .. in a ... PHONOGRAPHIC ALBUM BY THE BRADY BUNCH (Paramount PAS 99901)!

Which is all eye'm gonna say about this goddam motherheppin Paramount release. Which is exactically what YOU'd say if you got a buzz on the buzzer at 7 AM or 6:30 or whenever it was. 6:35 or something and it's a special delivery for me from of all people HOWARD EiLOOM! Who got his job at Circus in 1970 or "71 by calling me up cause he knew me from Rags and asking me everything eye knew about R&R&R. Everything! And like a foooooool eye told him and he got the job (did not know a fig's pork pie before) and he still owes me for at least one article and now he's at Paramount. Paramount which don't send me the time of day so an editor of mine at the local mag hadda call this boy and tell him to send me the latest Brady Bunch and whaddid he send me? He sent me the one with the rebus (old one). Which I reviewed up anyway cause whaddo eye know about the Brady Bunch if they never mail me any records and eye never watch the show and eye never read 16 (not since 1968)? Nothin so eye review it and time goes by and the whole situation is completely forgot until 6:45 EDT when suddenly the hail-or-rain-or-sleeter rings my mail and eye get this other Brady disc that eye would've originally wanted had eye known it was the right one and a letter from the mad Bloom (nother yidboy, one with specs this time) staring me in the closed eyes. Sez "here is the... supposed to have reviewed." Thanx a hodge you bike rider whose wife has a kid from a previous mirage who once_ ran away and he tracked the brat down and found her in a closet!

Not only can't this write-up get me kicked off the Paramop list cause eye ain't never been on it but if eye'm very very very very lucky it'll lose Howard (whose nickname eye ain't even gonna mention cause. it contains a vile dirty word that CREEM's printers or distributors might not wanna print or distribute but if eye mentioned it it'd probably be the foist time he hoid it cause it's always behind the gentleman's back) his precious wonderful swelleroony FREE DENTAL CARE on account of showing the higher-ups how he handles the press of this nation. In fact eye have even changed the number of the record to make purchase all the more unlikely so if you live in the stix and still wanna buy it after all ey'e"ve told you and you gotta order it from Capital City cause you're in the stix you won't be able to (ask for that No. and they'll send you Onward Christian Soldiers by the Topkapi Marimba Bosso Band!)! And if that don't convince the bigwigs that H.B. ain't handling us scribes worth a donut THEY MUST BE OUTA THEIR SKULLS.

— Only kiddding, Howard — who takes me bowling all the time — but rock writing gotta have a senseo-humour!...