Dear CREEM:

You’re so vain you probably think this letter is about you.

Bob “Geezer” Cirkiel and Adny “Jo Jo” Shernoff New Paltz, N.Y.

(You really expect us to come back with a snappy reply? - Ed.)

WURDILAKS?

Dear CREEM:

Tell Buck Sanders that “verdilacs” or wurdilaks were what the villagers in the Carpathian Mountains called vampires, in a Boris Karloff movie.

Tom Martin Ellensburg, Va.

Dear CREEM:

Last night I dreamed I was a rock critic. Only I was supposed to interview Popeye. Only when I got there somebody said “See that road over there? That leads to where the Miracles live.” So I figured that was better than Popeye so I walked up the road and came to the rim of this big round canyon with no way down. And down in the valley is this chick, it was the chick that used to be in the Miracles when they started out. Or maybe it was one of the Marvelettes. But anyway alligators were flying through the air and I dropped my notebook into the canyon and she said “You’ll have to come down and get it, I won’t throw it back at you.” So I climbed down the walls and skinned my hands a little bit but it was worth it cause when I got to the bottom she started running and I started chasing her. I finally got her in the shade of this tent, I had her from behind with my hands on those beautiful tits and I was just ripping off her dress and sticking it in when I woke up and discovered I was humping my mattress. Shit! Can I write for CREEM anyway?

Stu Landiss

Annapolis, Md.

Dear CREEM:

I must try to set the record straight after reading the letter from Gene Scott, with whom I am unfortunately acquainted. I could not allow the public to be submitted to such blasphemous lies. Believe me this so-called Stooges freak(Gene Scott) goes to sleep at night listening to Elton John on his masterwork record player. I suppose you are aware that he is about as much a 12-year old as you are, although he must have the mentality of one, actually writing such ridiculous remarks. For instance, a statement he made about a DJ playing some music he could relate to (meaning the Stooges) almost made me vomit. The only thing he can relate to is a new Neil Young album. He once got a ticket to a Stooges concert and showed up looking like Perry Como. From that night on he was branded with the nickname of Clean Gene, by a person you know as Hot Scott Fischer.

I can only hope that you will be a bit more strict with the letters you allow to be printed, AFTER THIS ONE OF COURSE. Carl Can St Louis, Mo.

P.S. Maybe if I’m lucky, you and Hot Scott Fischer (who has been pre-occupied at a Dead concert for the past 48 hours) will think I’m a genius too.

Dear CREEM:

I’ve got it. Rock-a-Rama is written by Lester Bangs.

Steve Pierce Galveston, Tx.

(Wrong again. — Ed.)

Dear CREEM:

Flash!!

The Bee Gees have wooden teeth!

David Bowie doesn’t wear any BVDs!

Leslie West has a weight problem!

David Cassidy has sprouted a pubic hair! Eric Clapton is dead! (Prove otherwise.) Marijuana makes you want to rape and kill.

This is my second letter. The first one got printed too.

Vic Stanley Gurnee, Ill.

(So whaddya want, a medal? — Ed.)

HOW ABOUT A 87 FROM DOWNBEAT

Dear CREEM:

Reading the letters in your December ish, I came across a letter from a certain ass who gets 95 points in “Guess the Rock Critic.” To this certain fuck-wad, I say .... Big Shit. Let’s see you get a 125 from the reviews in Blues Unlimited.

Marc the Snatch Canfield, Ohio

Dear CREEM:

For a group that hasn’t made a good album since Between the Buttons, you guys sure are hung up on the Rolling Stones.

“There’s one group, and only one, like ’em or not, that matters all the time.”

Emerson, Lake and Palmer? Santana? The Blues Magoos? I give, who?

Mike Saunders Austin, Tx.

P.S. Lester Bangs article was ace all the same. (Mr. Saunders is an occasionally obnoxious rock critic who lacks Q-Tips to solve certain aural problems. Whassa matter, aincha heard Hot Rocks yet? - Ed.)

ON THE CARPET Dear CREEM:

A cursory reading of my copy of the December CREEM indicates that both Greg Shaw and Lester Bangs used a word which they rendered “portentious.” If you’re going to use difficult words, you shouldn’t misspell them. There’s nothing more pretentous.

Also, I was somewhat disturbed to note that of the 10 current singles mentioned by Greg in his Juke Box Jury, six came from United Artists. I’ll be gracious enough to assume that the fact that Greg now works for United Artists isn’t coloring his judgment, but perhaps it tends to contour his sources of information.

Roll on.

Robert Christgau

Dean of American Rock Critics

New York, N.Y.

(Whew! We thought this letter was going to be about how we never alphabetize the Consumer Guide right! — Ed. [Emeritus].)

CREEM BREAKS EVEN

Dear CREEM:

My son, aged 14, had subscribed to your magazine, and in all innocence, I condoned it. However, I do not believe, after reading the first two copies sent, that this is a “magazine” for him. This is some kind of drug culture clap-trap which really should be drawn to the attention of the authorities - because it does get to the young.

Please CANCEL the subscription and refund his money. If this is not done within reasonable time I will refer this to the postal authorities.

Philip Bogdonoff

Cinnaminson, N. J.

Dear CREEM:

Thank you for your recent letter in which you enclosed a copy of the October issue of CREEM, which included an attack on “sopors.” As you know, I have conducted investigations, in my capacity as Chairman of the Senate Subcommittee to Investigate Juvenile Delinquency, into the growing problem of barbituate abuse among young Americans. The increasing use and abuse of the various forms of methaqualone has been especially distressing in recent months.

Your article was encouraging in view of the widespread public apathy which may be partially responsible for this problem. If you have any further information about the “sopor” phenomenon, I would be pleased to share it with you.

Sincerely,

Birch Bayh, Chairman

Washington, D.C.

TRASH

Dear CREEM:

Your A/V supplement was excellent. Before I read it, I knew my record player was a piece of shit. Now I’ve decided that it’s not even that good.

Jim Kearns

St. Louis, Mo.

TOP TEN AGAIN

Dear CREEM:

Being of not great but fantastic importance where I stand, and not giving a fuck who either of the other two cocksuckers who sent in top tens are, I would like to go on record as saying (you can quote me, too):

1. Ten Years After is the best motherfuckin’ group with one bad-ass guitarist.

2. Humble Pie eats, smells and sounds like shit.

3. MC5 should be back in the U.S.A.

4. Mick Jagger should put on a jumpsuit and jump out of a 747 (without a parachute).

5. The Who are great.

6. The Allman Bros. Band is better than the Who!

7. Dicky Betts plays some fantastic lead.

8. Ramatam will someday be the greatest!

9. Alice Cooper should try to beat off sometime and see what happens.

10. T. Rex should comer the market on bubblegum and sell it at their concerts!

The Jumpin’ Cowboy Flint, Mich.

SON OF TOP TEN AGAIN

Dear CREEM:

This is just a letter to state 10 cosmic truths.

1. CREEM is the best mother-fucking rock’n’ roll magazine around.

2. The Rolling Stones are one of the best groups around.

3. The Rolling Stones are and always will be better than the Beatles.

4. The Mothers of Invention are the best group ever.

5. Frank Zappa plays damn good lead guitar.

6. CREEM is better than Rolling Stone, Circus, Crawdaddy, Fusion or Rock.

7. The Osmond Bros. suck.

8. Cat Mother is a good group.

9. Dave Hill plays great lead for Slade.

10G. Shelton is a great underground comix writer.

Now I have two questions:

1. Is a CREEM subscription tax-deductible?

2. Does Lester Bangs really relax by sticking his toes up his ass?

Peace,

Tommy Starlight Nashville, Tenn.

(We never thought of a tax-deductible subscription form; why don’t you try and tell us how it went. Lester Bangs NEVER relaxes. — Ed.)

BLACK TO NORMAL

Dear CREEM:

Color photos of the Faces and T. Rex!! What do you guys think you are, Playboy? Besides, everyone knows that rock and roll is black and white.

Mike Mueller Morgantown, W. Va.

Dear CREEM:

Your magazine goes into my list of “People & Things I Wish I Never Heard Of,” which also includes John & Yoko, Nehru jackets, the French Revolution and Parsippany, New Jersey.

Alison

Parsippany, N.J.

(If we lived in Parsippany, New Jersey, we wouldn Y be so smug. - Ed.)

Dear CREEM:

Lost in Ozona, again.

Judge Crater Ozona, Tx.

(It’s a real place too. He sent us a postcard from there! - Ed.)

Dear CREEM:

Ha! When I took a look at what Lester Bangs wrote about the Stones I almost shit my pants! (wonder why I never did?) Well, anyways, to get to the point, I mean wat are you an ex-“Denvers State Hospital” patient? What are you, soft? Let me see you write fantastic music like that! And perform like Jagger! (Don’t try you’d only make a fool outa yourself.) In fact I wanna say “thanks” to all the beautiful stone freiks for wat they are! If you wonder why I’m writing this on a paper bag its coz I was in a grocery store reading that sucky article and got so pissed off I started writing. After all Lester haye a little sympathy and taste.

A loyal stone freik,

Susan Picone

Lowell, Mass.

P.S. (I hate it, writing on paper bags that is) (Lester replies: “Will you marry me?”)

EXTRA LETTER FROM BRITAIN

Dear CREEM:

Would someone tell

*Greg Shaw that “Rock ‘n’ Roll, Pt.2” is not a reggae record — otherwise I’ll stop believing that he knows everything.

*Lester Bangs that I’ve had a sudden flash of illumination: the reason people like Jethro Tull and Yes is because THEY DON’T EAT MEAT. What we’ve got to do is spread Sandye Carroll’s word and get some steak down all those weedy throats. Stomp a vegetarian a day!

Yours bloodily,

Simon Frith

Earlsdon, Coventry, U.K.

(You got a solution for sopor freaks? Make ’em eat it raw, maybe? Steak tartare lives! — Ed.)

YOU EAT YOUR MEAT, I'LL EAT MINE

Dear CREEM:

I just finished going through your December issue. Sandye Carroll (Lemonade Springs) sounds like a superb cook! And what the hell’s wrong with eating meat? If I like a good steak, that’s my business (and mine alone). If somebody else thinks vegetarianism is the answer, that’s his/her business (and his/hers alone). Don’t tell me how to live my life and I won’t tell you how to live your life. If you DO insist on telling me how to live my life .. . Ever talk to your shower curtain? Ever get an answer?

Greg Shaw’s Juke Box Jury is good to see. Glad somebody’s sticking up for singles.

Meantime, maybe you can tell me whatever happened to: Bob Lind; Bobby Hebb; ? and the Mysterians? Cashman, Pistilli & West? The Pyramids; “Buck” Dunn and A1 Jackson, Jr. from Booker T. & the MGs; (dig “Western Union”: the only out-of-tune electric organ in the history of history!); The Five Americans, Mary Wells; and/or The Contours?

CREEM is beautiful. Keep on.

Harv B. Hillman Red Deer, Alberta Canada

P.S. Sandye, may your meat be as good as your article ... which will be some damn fine meat.

(Well, Mary Wells was alive and well and coming back in England last summer; The Five American’s out-of-tune organist is Johnny Durrill, who is now with the Ventures; ? and the Mysterians resurfaced around Flint, Mich, in 1971, then re-disappeared and sometimes Bobby Hebb is on TV, on Soul. Anybody fill in the other blanks? — Ed.)

READER FINDS GOD IN CREEM

Dear CREEM:

I decided to drop you a line to tell you that I am just tickled to death that Bob Chatham (Dec.) has found a definition for rock’n’roll. But one thing: where does this Supreme Being get the authority to shit on, “asshole Mick Jagger ... Bob Dylan ... Alice Cooper ... MC5?” Gee, maybe we just found GOD himself!

I’d write a longer letter but I’m heading down to the corner for some Lone Star Beer and some Bordeaux. Then I’m gonna get drunk and listen’to Exile on Main Street.

Your favorite 16er,

Ruthie Rainbow Binghampton, NY

WRONG FLAVOR

Dear CREEM:

We’re inquiring about the picture on the back of this month’s (December) CREEM Magazine. The picture is of a woman holding a pie with the inscription “Mom’s Apple Pie.” We believe this title should be “Mom’s Cherry Pie.”

Phil and Tina Di Glasi Mexico, Mo.

Dear CREEM:

Re: “Jag-arr of the Jungle” (January). Patti Smith is a saint!!! And I believe!

Tim Jurgens Boston, Mass.

IT SUITS US FINE

Dear CREEM:

Just read your latest issue and noted with interest your open letter to Terry Knight.

As publisher of Guitar Player, I’m curious as hell about the motivation on your part. If you don’t mind, would you let qie know the background story. If you don’t want to, I understand.

Jim Crockett Guitar Player Magazine Los Gatos, Ca.

(We wouldn’t mind, but we’ve gotta check with certain parties in New York first. We don’t want another pie in the face, especially considering how it funked us Up the last time. --Ed.)