Complete coverage of the Palsy Telethon

Complete coverage of the Palsy Telethon

TV

Audie Murphy Jr.

That’s cerebral, there’s more than one kind. Jay Lee had the kind that just paralyzes half your face so it’s hard to talk and you drool a lot and it was only temporary and he doesn’t have it anymore. But even while he had it he was still able to go up to Clive Davis and sell Columbia Tom & Sharon and sell himself as a producer too. Now he’s a rich man and the palsy he had didn’t prevent it. On the other hand cerebral palsy is never your palsy walsy, it’s mean and disgusting and it fucks up babies and they’re sometimes born with it. When they are they can’t walk a straight line and they can’t stand up. Why do they call it cerebral if it’s the legs and voice ihat’re shot to shit? Maybe because you have to think about it.

And Steve Lawrence and his lovely bride Eydie Gorme made sure that every living man, woman and children would have it on their minds because it could happen to -them and theirs at some future time. But here was the paradox: while Steve and Eydie were singing everybody’s mind was oil musical enjoyment and besides it’s FREE, you didn’t have to pay to see it, paying was just like a tip (HEY WHY DON’T READERS .SEND WRITERS TIPS IF THEY LIKE THEIR STUFF, Writers as a group are harshly underpaid). The other paradox was: paradox - two doctors (get it?) Eydie sang without any lipsynch except when she did her newest hit which she didn’t know the words for, something like “It Was the Best Time.” It was the 20th Anniversary Celebrity Parade for Cerebral Palsy, does that mean it’s only existed 20 yrs?

Abbreviation for it is CP, if Corinne Calvet had it it would be CCCP, yes they have it even there!“Can’t Buy Me Love” was real good by Steve & Eydie when they went out into the audience just like Iggy and the guys in the audience got even more intimidated than Iggy and they hadda give em all their money : maybe Iggy’s in the wrong biz, maybe Iggy oughta be in POP! They did the wrong chords of the song too, just like another group of Elektra recording artists the Wild Thing used to do with the same song at Steve Paul’s The Scene a number of happy yrs ago.

At 3 AM it stood at $145,623, no it wasn’t the ' CP victims who were standing and it couldn’t be that high because no CPer has ever been richer than 10 dollars at a;time: that’s what the total was from the benefactors. And Steverino sang “3 O’clock in the Morning” to celebrate a moment in history that would never occur again no matter ,how long you wait. BUT Suddenly the phones stopped ringing so. Dennis James who used to do the Corn Flakes ads on the old What’s My Line but didn’t get rehired when it moved to NYC local TV on a non-network, so Dennis James said PLEASE START THEM RINGING AGAIN. And they did. I myself called up a bogus amount of 65 dollars in the name of Johnny Winter and they read it over the air, so you can subtract, that from' the announced total if you want accuracy.

A Spanish dancer reminiscent of Jose Greco but other than him got up and danced the old Spanish Jig with his feet and his band had 2 guitarists and a hand clapper. Jose Madrid was his name and he was from the Chateau Madrid which is in this nation* no his name was Jose Molina (no relation to Moline and Molette or any other various and sundry Molinet). A man with almost the same initials, Morty Gunty was the announcer on that one and his coverage was thus:. “When the guys are singing, it sounds like high holy days in Peru. I’m not kidding, it sounds like Rushashunna.” The Fuckin yid!

So it was Dennins James and the girls at the phone who were unable to watch any television while they were on camera except for the monitor. But the monitor doesn’t have any dials on it but the greatest service performed by the show’s performers was that the show was on all nite long, it wasn’t off even for station identification and that never happens except for special events like death of DeGaulle, which you can give or take, er, I mean take or leave. But all you could do with CP was watch or not watch, give to or not give to, the logic was hardfast.

Then just before channel 2 went off there was a CP ad on channel 2 to go along with the CP Telethon on channel 9: they were the only remaining channels (television channels, not the English) still on and both, both, both of them had some CP coverage or other. But at JeasL the telethon was mixing entertainment with salesmanship and the other one wasn’t. It was but not the kind you pay to see, it was repulsive and disgusting and they showed a film of a CP baby having a slow time of it. On the other hand the CP telethon was doing it live and the time wasn’t so hard.

'But you didn’t get to see that until the next morning because 3 AM is a little too late past bedtime even for CPs so they hadda be brought out in the morning. It was the morning but I mean the late morning. So they brought out about twelve of em, both sexes and that musta been one sixteenth of the country’s CP population. Well they were instructed to walk over to Steve while he was singing “Bei Mir Bist Du Shoen ” no that was the Barry Sisters. Steve was singin “For Once in My Life” and this piano stylist was backing him up and you couldn’t see the cat’s face because his back was to the camera but he was damn good! So Steve was sittin at the piano bench with him, it wasn’t a stool and it had four legs and Steve was facin the camera. He had his face facing the camera that is his feet and back were facing somewhere else. So Eydie told a lovely little' CP girl with braces on her legs to walk over and give hubby a big smooch, she didn’t mind because she knew Steve wasn’t gonna think about fuckin the young little beauty. And Eydie was standin right behind her so if she fell Eydie’d be right there to catch her so her injuries wouldn’t be complicated any more than necessary. BUT Eydie was even more helpful than that: whenever it looked like little girlie-pie didn’t wanna do it she’d pick her up arid carry her a few feet just to keep her interested. It was very impressive. And very safe too, safety and aesthetics were forever wed.

Is a wedding worth $200? If so maybe everybody who got married shoulda dedicated 200 to the telethon. If not, then not. But it was worth the investigation on their part and they didn’t do it.

One thing they did do was arrange with ABC to let em do the space shit off a TV off ABC: yeah that shit was on the same time, too bad cause the telethon was getting to be the last refuge from the space shit launch as all the other channels were pickin it up. But one thing ABC wouldn’t let em do was get the actual coverage piped into their pipes, all they let em have was a tube with it on in front of their camera: A * TUBE WITHIN A tube, another telethon first! As it occurred Dennis James told everybody to count down with him but the station manager or somebody said not until it reaches ten, what a fuckin killjoy!

But that’s only if there was joy, indications were there wasn’t. But Dennis was a juggernaut of reverence all the way down the line: “God bless them and God speed.” But before that he said “Weather must’ve cleared over Kennedy,” which Kennedy did he mean. Ted, Bob, Jack, Ethel, Jackie, Ari, Eunice or Ari? Or was it Kennedy Airport, Kennedy Stadium in DC or Kennedy Avenue? But after God speed he said “Oh my aching back” which is a prime good example of how useful long, long shows can be. If the show hadn’t been on for 19 hrs he never would’ve been tired. If he had never would of been tired he wouldn’t of gotten so casual. Casual enuff to say “Oh my aches and pains.” God bless him!

Then there was the analogy in the air about the rocketship going up up and away, away up high in the sky and so was everybody involved in the broadcast high on love for the wonderful children who were giving their time and bodies to,the cause. The cause was just or else they wouldn’t have raked in a whopping $1,042,779 as of just after coming back from the space. Then Louie Armstrong came on and smiled for a while and then he played with the Steve Lawrence orchestra and they were real good in backing up the aging genius of Maurice Chevalierhood. What else happened on the show? Not a fuckin thing except it ended.

One man conspicuous by his absence was Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. They knew the bite of tragedy and yet they were too tied up in their own personal problems to show up on the show. You’ll remember no doubt that they adopted FIVE kids (Jesus Piss!) and two of em died. And the one child Dale and him got by natural means of sperm and ova was born a retard. One of the likeliest, reasons they didn’t show up was they were busy with their 12 wonderful grandkids at their ranchhouse in Apple Valley, Calif. What, they’ve abandoned Texas and Oklahoma?! Yes and Dale’s also busy on her 11th book, the first was an international best seller based on the life and times of that retard she had. But in between it’s been nothing but sadness and dishearteningness as NINE in a row were non-bestsellers.

The 84-yr-old old lady who drives the Chevy in the Champion Spark Plug ad recently gave up driving when her auto rammed head-on into a hung dung daddy by the name of Bert Howsington.

He wasn’t injured except his pride. He’s 83 and they got married even though he’s younger than her, three or four years younger as a matter of fact on the biological calendar because girls mature three years faster than boys.

That big bad blotch on the left arm and shoulder of Jack Marin of the Bullets is quite lucid and lurid on TV, even when it’s black and white. At least you can see it’s there but you can’t pick it and you can’t see what color it is. Color is very important in identifying the specific type of skin irritation and whether or not it’s a permanent one. For instance if it’s red it could be a birth mark. If it’s purple or olive colored it could be a change in the overall pigment color of the skin. An example of that is the mother of this girl who works for Motog Magazine started with sort of darkish skin and slowly light skin started creeping over her body. The whole process took 13 * yrs and during all that time she never wanted to bring her friends around and in that time the mother took up drinking. So when the 13 yrs were over she was an alcoholic and her daughter never brought anybody around because her mother was a floozy!

Among the list of those whose mothers are widows who fuck carrots: Neil Diamond, Garry Moore, George . Hamilton IV, Lauren Bacall, Tennessee Ernie Ford, Ann Southern, Sajid Khan, Ty Hardin, Patrick McGoohan, Millie Perkins, Barbara Parkins (she fucks longstemmed bookends too, not her but her mother), Count Basie, Gordie Tapp, Lena Horne, Mars Bonfire Thruston Morton, Mel Allen, Herbert Voland, Fedora Bontempi, George Zucco (he’s dead but Mama Zucco is still kicking, preferably during the throes of orgasm), Paul Tripp, Phyllis Wilensky, Toxie Roker, Karl Malden and Biff Rose, all of whom have appeared at least once via TV!